Throughout my 35 many years of counseling individuals, partners, households and business partners, I have discovered that an essential objective of our controlling behavior in our relationships is to avoid the feeling of helplessness. 1 of the hardest feelings to really feel is helplessness. Most of us are unwilling to even know what we are and are not helpless more than. Our controlling behavior toward others generally comes from our unwillingness to accept our helplessness more than others’ feelings and behavior. We do not want to know that we are helpless more than whether an additional chooses to be loving and accepting toward us or judgmental and rejecting toward us.

If we truly accepted our helplessness more than others, would we continue to get angry at them? Would we continue to blame, to judge, shame, criticize? Would we continue to comply, or to be nice rather of sincere? If we truly accepted our helplessness more than whether others cherished us and accepted us, would we function so tough to show our really worth to others?

Occasionally – simply because we frequently manage to have more than obtaining approval or staying away from disapproval – we may confuse approval with love and believe we can have more than obtaining love. But love is usually a gift freely offered with no strings attached. We may obtain interest and approval when we attempt to obtaining love from an additional, but that is generally short-lived and not satisfying.

Relocating past our controlling behavior, as well as our core shame (the perception that we are inherently poor, inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough), occurs effortlessly and normally as soon as we totally accept our helplessness more than others’ intention to be open or closed, loving or unloving, accepting or judgmental. Our core shame is one of our deepest, oldest false beliefs and one of our oldest protections in opposition to our feelings of helplessness. Our shame provides us the illusion of power more than others: that is, we tell ourselves that if we are not becoming cherished simply because we are not good enough, we can continue to strive to be good enough and then we will have more than obtaining the love we want. Believing in our core shame permits us to think that we trigger others to be unloving to us, that it is our fault when others are unloving simply because we are not good enough. It takes us out of the reality of our helplessness and into a perception of – if only we alter ourselves we can then alter others. This illusion of more than other people’s feelings about us is difficult for most people to give up.

Paradoxically, accepting our helplessness more than others prospects us to our personal power. Once we totally accept that we cannot have more than others loving us and taking care of us, we may then finally determine to learn how to take care of our personal feelings and needs.. This major step moves us out of becoming victims of others’ choices and into more than our personal lives, which is what we do have more than. We do have more than our personal intent to learn about loving ourselves and others, or safeguard in opposition to discomfort with some from of controlling behavior. You will really feel extremely empowered as soon as you totally accept your helplessness more than others. Attempt it! For one week, attempt all through the day reminding your self that you are helpless more than others’ feelings and behavior. You will be astounded at the results!

Once you accept your helplessness more than others, then lots of energy is released to take care of your self. Many of us have been taught that taking care of ourselves is selfish. Contrary to taking care of your self becoming selfish, taking care of your personal feelings and needs is what personal duty is all about. As long as you make others accountable for your feelings of really worth and lovability, you will attempt to how others deal with you and really feel about you. As soon as you take duty for defining your personal really worth and lovability and taking care of your personal feelings and needs, you transfer out of becoming a victim and into personal power.

The challenge is to accept our helplessness more than others. This is frequently difficult, simply because as infants, if we had been helpless more than obtaining someone to feed us and attend to us, we would have died. Many of us went through the terror of crying and crying and no one coming to love and care for us. Many of us experienced that life-threatening experience of helplessness more than obtaining others to take care of our needs. We grew to become deeply terrified of the feeling of helplessness and discovered to do something we could to avoid that feeling and that scenario.

The problem is that we do not understand that today we are no longer helpless more than ourselves as we had been as infants. We will not die of someone does not attend to us. We can feed ourselves and phone a friend for help if we require it. Yet many people nonetheless react to the feeling of helplessness more than others as if it had been a life and death scenario. Many people nonetheless do something they can to avoid feeling helpless, such as controlling others or shutting out our feelings with addictive behavior. How frequently have you discovered your self grazing in front of the fridge, turning on the Tv, grabbing a cigarette with out even recognizing you had been doing it? Frequently, this addictive behavior is a way to avoid the feeling of helplessness that may have come up in an interaction with someone, or as a way to avoid duty for taking care of your personal feelings and needs.

The first step in relocating past controlling and addictive behavior is to be prepared to become conscious of the feeling of helplessness. Once you are conscious of what it feels like in your body, embrace the feeling as you would embrace a small child who is feeling scared. As you carry love to the feeling of helplessness inside you rather than staying away from it with controlling and addictive behavior, you will uncover that it is not as poor as you thought. If you are prepared to open to the love that surrounds you in Spirit and carry that love within to the component of you that feels helpless, this frightened wounded component that just desires to be cherished begins to get healed. The much more you practice embracing helplessness rather than staying away from it, the much more you will transfer out of becoming a victim and into your personal power and ability to love your self and others.

About The Writer

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling writer and co-writer of 8 publications, such as “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Cherished By You?” She is the co-creator of the potent Internal Bonding healing procedure. Discover Internal Bonding now! Go to her web site for a Free Internal Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.